The Secret Diary of Barack Obama

Monday, November 3rd

11:47PM

Dear Diary,

Last day of stumping.  Cannot believe election actually tomorrow.  Will win.  Told Grandma I would and I will.  Will win it for her.

Tomorrow.

Whoa.

[Was so excited by upcoming election that I started singing lyrics from “Tomorrow” song from Annie after writing word ‘tomorrow’.  Got as far as “Just thinking about tomorrow/clears the cobwebs and the sorrows” before was told to shut up by Michelle.  Says I have terrible singing voice and threatened to vote for McCain if I “kept up that racket and woke up the girls.”  This is completely unfair as life story is featured in new musical, “Obama the Musical”, and therefore must have talent.]

Oh, have just heard John said that “The pundits have written me off just like they’ve done four or five times in the past. … They may not know it, but the Mac is back.”  Ha.  Little does he know obesity epidemic affects only Big Macs.  (And also that subliminal message put into infomercial creates negative association for word ‘Mac’.)

Thirteen more minutes until November 4th!  And am still ahead in polls!

Hopefully yours,

Barack

PS.  Just checked CNN to see polls one more time.  Apparently five percent of voters still undecided?  Who are these undecideds?  Race has lasted forever!  Make up your minds!

PPS.  And pick me, please.

Sunday, November 2nd

11:21PM

Dear Diary,

Accused by Sarah of being presumptuous about election results.  Examples of presumptuous included confidence in results, pre-written inaugural address, current polling.  However, am not presumptuous, am simply confident that will win.  To prove this, found excellent poll result reporting website and examined current national polls.  Combined results to give precise and accurate prediction of election outcome.

CBS/New York Times: +13.

Gallup: +11.

ABC/Post: +11.

NBC/Wall Street Journal:  +9.

CNN: +7.

Marist: +7.

Research 2000: +7.

Pew Research: +6.

Zogby: +5.7.

Diego/Hotline: +5.

Rasmussen: +5.

Battleground: +4.

FOX News: +3.

SurveyUSA:  +3.

Investor’s Business Daily/TIPP: +2.1.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Total: 98.8 points!

See?  Win is unavoidable.  (Still, perhaps will not mention pre-written acceptance speech, pre-determined election night party toast, pre-printed “President Obama” paraphernalia, and blueprints for new mosque to be installed next to White House.  Wouldn’t want to jinx it, after all.)

Also, Joe—Joe the Running Mate, that is, not Plumber or Six Pack—says that we are going to win.  Trust his skills as prophet.

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Saturday, November 1st

10:37PM

Dear Diary,

Tied to another radical?  Note to self: must refrain from speaking to professors in future as is apparently very dangerous, subversive profession.

In other news, half hour infomercial at least partial success.  John didn’t approve, of course (though SNL infomercial sketch actually rather amusing), but is well-documented fact that infomercials have power to make people buy anything.  In fact, inspiration for political infomercial came from that one time I bought pair of clip-on shoe spikes under belief that they would aerate lawn as I walked and consequently make wife fall in love all over again.  (Did not work, unfortunately.  Due to paranoia over assassination plots, Michelle thought spikes were weapons and threw them out.)  Anyway, am confident that subliminal message implanted into infomercial will take root in minds of American people, suppressing latent racism with need to vote for candidate with funniest name.

Spent two hours this afternoon playing with model of electoral map.  Started coloring in states to spell out initials (only first and last initials, of course), but Michelle took away map and said I needed to “Get back to campaigning—don’t you realize you have only three days left?!”  No fun at all.

Anyway, got to check polls and electoral predictions before map was confiscated.  Result: still ahead!

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Thursday, October 23rd
10:18PM

Dear Diary,

Came to realization today that if voters still undecided at this point in election cycle, there is good chance that they are completely unconscious.  Will likely be difficult to sway voters if they cannot see handsome face, hear sweet words, or feel inspired by message of hope and change.  Have decided instead to utilize innate human characteristic:  The Herd Mentality.  New campaign slogan: Everyone’s Doing It!

List of Important Endorsements and Voting Bloc Most Likely to be Influenced by Them

National Organization of Women to persuade women.
Planned Parenthood to persuade sexually active women.
The National Association of Muslim American Women to persuade Muslim American Women.
Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton to persuade former U.S. presidents.
Billy Joel to persuade Billy Joel fans.
Colin Powell and Scott McClellan to persuade Bush supporters.
Billy Crystal and Gene Wilder to persuade old people.
Blake Lively to persuade teenagers who watch Gossip Girl.
All newspapers ever to persuade people who are literate.
Toni Morrison to persuade high school graduates who were required to read Beloved in their English class.
Vera Wang to persuade women who covet expensive wedding gowns.
Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and Scarlett Johansson to persuade people who fantasize about actors and actresses.
James Watson to persuade people who have DNA.

Plan is foolproof.

However, am worried John will retaliate with new TV attack ads: “Didn’t your mother warn you about jumping off a bridge just because all of your friends were doing it?”  Will ask David how to counter such assaults.

Anyway, have most important endorsement: the polls!

Hopefully yours,
Barack

 Dear Diary,

Up late catching up on news articles from past week—can’t be outdone in New York Times reading by Sarah Palin!—and came across article about Cindy McCain.  That poor woman!  Dragged around by McSkeletor, forced to support losing campaign, cut off from supply of drugs, all those miscarriages…though, if being perfectly honest, some people do need to learn when to stop having children as new socialist health care policies will be stressed by plethora of children.  Anyway, don’t know how Jill Biden and Cindy did it—Michelle put her foot down after Sasha and said no more kids, with or without epidural.

Also stumbled across article covering Joe’s remarks at a Seattle fundraiser this past weekend:  “Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We’re about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America.  Remember I said it standing here if you don’t remember anything else I said… As a student of history and having served with seven presidents, I guarantee you it’s going to happen.”

Apparently did not vet VP candidate thoroughly enough as was until now unaware of Joe’s talents for divination.  Regardless, seems a useful job skill to have.  Wonder if prophesying skills extend to economic crises, international disputes, and poll results.  Anyway, should have seen this coming: a prophet and the messiah always come at same time.

Still ahead in polls!

Hopefully yours,
Barack

Friday, October 17th
10:27AM

Dear Diary,

After breakfast this morning, Michelle handed me list of faults.  Said she’d written it at Jon Stewart’s suggestion, but wanted to wait until after last debate so as “not to crush your fragile ego.”  Ha.  As if she doesn’t know that messiah’s ego cannot be crushed.

At least didn’t bring up Malia’s dress at the Convention.  Apparently dress has something called “spaghetti straps” that are “not appropriate for young children.”  Still don’t understand how pasta is related to clothing, but have been expressly forbidden from taking girls shopping without proper supervision.Also, just rewatched speech at memorial dinner last night.  Am hilarious.  Even better than being ahead in polls. 

Wednesday, October 15th

11:30PM

Dear Diary,

Barack wins again!  Message of hope and change prevails!  Worried about rocky start of debate—note to self: must narrow economic plan down to five principles, one less than John—but game plan of staying calm until angry old man started screaming turned out well.  However, looked at responses to debate and fear that Joe the Plumber, like Joe Six Pack, has outstayed welcome.  Have come up with possible replacements for Joes.

Top 10 Possible Replacements for “Joe the Plumber”

1. Ed the Electrician (Pros: Will appeal to wide base of electrical engineers as well as do-it-yourself types.  Cons: Do-it-yourself types likely to be electrocuted before Nov. 4.)

2. Gary the Gardener (Pros: Everyone likes plants.  Cons: Environmentalists may feel gardens infringe upon wildlife sanctuaries.)

3. Bob the Builder (Pros: Well-liked by parents, teachers, childcare professionals.  Cons: Actually a cartoon character.)

4. Wendy the Waitress (Pros: Waitresses bring food, are correspondingly very popular.  Cons: Waitress voting bloc likely predominantly single women statistically likely to not vote.)

5. Mack the Mechanic (Pros: Everyone goes to mechanics.  Cons: Everyone hates going to mechanics.)

6. Rebecca the Receptionist (Pros: Receptionists everywhere finally recognized.  Cons: Receptionists still likely to be ignored.)

7. Mike the Mover (Pros: Manly profession appeals to males, overdeveloped muscles appeal to females.  Cons: Mike the Mover real person, possibility of being sued.)

8. Holly the Hairdresser (Pros: Hairdressers usually attractive, attractiveness important.  Cons: Large sections of U.S. population balding, may be offended.)

9. George the Garbage Man (Pros: Voters unlikely to come in contact with, references cannot be verified, can use in any situation.  Cons: Smell possibly off-putting.)

10. Jesus the Carpenter (Pros: Appeal to religious right, can survive crucifixion.  Cons: His Second Coming means Palin was right.)

Will run list by Michelle and David.

Hopefully yours,

Barack

PS.  Still winning in polls!

Monday, October 13th

1:22AM

Dear Diary,

Up late writing next inspirational speech.  Reminded by speech writers that must be avoid being too inspirational and inadvertently inspiring mob violence.  Have heard Secret Service not too happy about mob violence these days.

Finished first draft.  Will bring crowd to knees, though not in creepy exorcism-type way like in YouTube video of priest and Palin.  Speech is so brilliant that nearly cried while writing, so read aloud to Michelle in hopes of impressing her and making up for argument over behavior at last debate.  Also inspired tears, though apparently was not because of beautiful eloquence of writing but because of imagined masses of alcohol-related deaths as listeners played drinking game with words “hope” and “change.”  Made me take out almost all inspirational keywords.

But what we know—what we have seen—what we hope—is that America can change. That is the true changing genius of this hopeful nation. What we have already achieved through change and hope gives us more hope—the audacity to hope for change—for what we can hopefully change and must achieve tomorrow.

It requires all hopeful Americans to realize that your hopes and dreams do not have to come at the expense of my hopes and dreams; that investing in changing the health, welfare and education of black and brown and white children will ultimately and hopefully help all of America change and prosper.

I would not be running for president if I didn’t believe with all the hope in my heart that this is exactly what the change that the vast majority of Americans want for this hopeful and changeable country. This union may never be perfect and may always need change, change spurred by hope, but generation after generation has shown that it can always be perfected through hope and change.

At least lack of change in polls good news.  Still in lead!

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Friday, October 10th

12:33PM

Dear Diary,

Huge argument with Michelle.  Michelle claims that certain comments at last debate were racist, as was the McCains’ avoidance of shaking her hand.  Tried to explain that she was being unreasonable as it is a widely-known fact that all white people have a natural fear of women weighing over 110 lbs.  Asked if it was “that time of the month” as a possible excuse for unfounded paranoia over racism, but was clearly wrong thing to say as am now forced to write lines.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

Despite such dreadful start to morning, have heard good news:  Hispanic voter bloc is likely to vote for me, putting aside past disputes over who is better minority group in united dislike for old, rich white guys and not-so-Grand-after-all Old Party.  In response to new support from population more likely to vote than throngs of 16 year old interns, have decided to give next speech in Spanish.  Thought newly translated speech was brilliant, but was ridiculed by entire class of Spanish I students.  Apparently Babel Fish not as accurate as one would have hoped.

Am forbidden to check poll results until I finish writing lines.  However, barring catastrophic sudden economic upturn, suspect still in lead.

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Thursday, October 9th

6:23PM

Dear Diary,

So sick of campaigning.  Told David that we should just run television ads like John’s campaign manager lets him do, but was told to “stop whining, people think you’re young enough as it is without acting like a spoiled child.”  Pointed out that he all he does is send e-mails to people who already like me while I am forced to face down mean old men who call me “that one” and as a result I probably have permanent mental scarring and will require years of psychotherapy.  Was told that running for president was my own choice and that I “had to deal with the consequences of that decision.”  Stuck out my tongue at him when I thought his back was turned, but was caught and threatened with being locked up like Sarah Palin.

Campaign managers think they’re just so important.

In other news, have started to get paranoid after receiving phone call from John Kerry last night warning about something called ‘swift boating.’  Reminded him that I had no military record, was therefore safe from accusations of former war people, and really don’t like boats much at all, but was told that I “didn’t understand” and needed to think back to certain experiences in my past.  Had brief, semi-related argument about current smoking habit.  Said that millions of Americans would sympathize with current attempts to quit—Change! Hope!  Hope for change!—but was countered with point that Americans seem to have found out about lung cancer.

Both Kerry and David apparently unimpressed by current lead in polls.

Hopefully yours,

Barack