The Secret Diary of Barack Obama

Thursday, November 20th

10:19PM

Dear Diary,

Have not written for several weeks due to time-consuming process of choosing cabinet, finding future First Dog, and explaining to reporters that am not yet in charge of country and therefore cannot yet fix economy.  However, was browsing internet today—future First Lady insists that am rotting brain with hours of reading blogs—and came across forum for saying goodbye to George.  Have decided to write own letter.

Dear President,

I would like to extend my heartfelt appreciation for the unmitigated destruction that your administration has unleashed upon the American economy, environment, and population.  Your unsound policies and offensive and discriminatory beliefs worked to convince the American public that the Republican Party is ineffective at best and extremely destructive at worst.

Your catastrophic two terms as president made my election significantly easier and for that I am eternally grateful.

Warm regards,

Barack

PS.  However, come January 20th, I will no longer be thankful for your misguided policies and will instead be furious that I will have to spend the next four years attempting to clean up after you and your mistakes.

Am rather proud of letter.  Succinct, to the point, and does not include inappropriate words or phrases!  (Was very difficult to avoid profanity.)

Yours,

President-Elect Barack

Wednesday, November 5th

9:12PM

Dear Diary,

Am loved:

World loves me for not being Bush.

Majority of United States loves me (though am still unclear on Missouri and North Carolina’s feelings) for not being Bush.

Malia and Sasha love me for promise of new puppy.

Michelle loves me for First Lady status and thus chance to follow in Hillary’s footsteps.

Democrats in Senate and House love me for coattails (really more like cape at this point).

In return for love, will work hard to pick good cabinet, not attack Russia, magically fix economy, etc.

Yours,

President-Elect Barack

Monday, November 3rd

11:47PM

Dear Diary,

Last day of stumping.  Cannot believe election actually tomorrow.  Will win.  Told Grandma I would and I will.  Will win it for her.

Tomorrow.

Whoa.

[Was so excited by upcoming election that I started singing lyrics from “Tomorrow” song from Annie after writing word ‘tomorrow’.  Got as far as “Just thinking about tomorrow/clears the cobwebs and the sorrows” before was told to shut up by Michelle.  Says I have terrible singing voice and threatened to vote for McCain if I “kept up that racket and woke up the girls.”  This is completely unfair as life story is featured in new musical, “Obama the Musical”, and therefore must have talent.]

Oh, have just heard John said that “The pundits have written me off just like they’ve done four or five times in the past. … They may not know it, but the Mac is back.”  Ha.  Little does he know obesity epidemic affects only Big Macs.  (And also that subliminal message put into infomercial creates negative association for word ‘Mac’.)

Thirteen more minutes until November 4th!  And am still ahead in polls!

Hopefully yours,

Barack

PS.  Just checked CNN to see polls one more time.  Apparently five percent of voters still undecided?  Who are these undecideds?  Race has lasted forever!  Make up your minds!

PPS.  And pick me, please.

 Dear Diary,

Up late catching up on news articles from past week—can’t be outdone in New York Times reading by Sarah Palin!—and came across article about Cindy McCain.  That poor woman!  Dragged around by McSkeletor, forced to support losing campaign, cut off from supply of drugs, all those miscarriages…though, if being perfectly honest, some people do need to learn when to stop having children as new socialist health care policies will be stressed by plethora of children.  Anyway, don’t know how Jill Biden and Cindy did it—Michelle put her foot down after Sasha and said no more kids, with or without epidural.

Also stumbled across article covering Joe’s remarks at a Seattle fundraiser this past weekend:  “Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We’re about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America.  Remember I said it standing here if you don’t remember anything else I said… As a student of history and having served with seven presidents, I guarantee you it’s going to happen.”

Apparently did not vet VP candidate thoroughly enough as was until now unaware of Joe’s talents for divination.  Regardless, seems a useful job skill to have.  Wonder if prophesying skills extend to economic crises, international disputes, and poll results.  Anyway, should have seen this coming: a prophet and the messiah always come at same time.

Still ahead in polls!

Hopefully yours,
Barack

Friday, October 17th
10:27AM

Dear Diary,

After breakfast this morning, Michelle handed me list of faults.  Said she’d written it at Jon Stewart’s suggestion, but wanted to wait until after last debate so as “not to crush your fragile ego.”  Ha.  As if she doesn’t know that messiah’s ego cannot be crushed.

At least didn’t bring up Malia’s dress at the Convention.  Apparently dress has something called “spaghetti straps” that are “not appropriate for young children.”  Still don’t understand how pasta is related to clothing, but have been expressly forbidden from taking girls shopping without proper supervision.Also, just rewatched speech at memorial dinner last night.  Am hilarious.  Even better than being ahead in polls. 

Wednesday, October 15th

11:30PM

Dear Diary,

Barack wins again!  Message of hope and change prevails!  Worried about rocky start of debate—note to self: must narrow economic plan down to five principles, one less than John—but game plan of staying calm until angry old man started screaming turned out well.  However, looked at responses to debate and fear that Joe the Plumber, like Joe Six Pack, has outstayed welcome.  Have come up with possible replacements for Joes.

Top 10 Possible Replacements for “Joe the Plumber”

1. Ed the Electrician (Pros: Will appeal to wide base of electrical engineers as well as do-it-yourself types.  Cons: Do-it-yourself types likely to be electrocuted before Nov. 4.)

2. Gary the Gardener (Pros: Everyone likes plants.  Cons: Environmentalists may feel gardens infringe upon wildlife sanctuaries.)

3. Bob the Builder (Pros: Well-liked by parents, teachers, childcare professionals.  Cons: Actually a cartoon character.)

4. Wendy the Waitress (Pros: Waitresses bring food, are correspondingly very popular.  Cons: Waitress voting bloc likely predominantly single women statistically likely to not vote.)

5. Mack the Mechanic (Pros: Everyone goes to mechanics.  Cons: Everyone hates going to mechanics.)

6. Rebecca the Receptionist (Pros: Receptionists everywhere finally recognized.  Cons: Receptionists still likely to be ignored.)

7. Mike the Mover (Pros: Manly profession appeals to males, overdeveloped muscles appeal to females.  Cons: Mike the Mover real person, possibility of being sued.)

8. Holly the Hairdresser (Pros: Hairdressers usually attractive, attractiveness important.  Cons: Large sections of U.S. population balding, may be offended.)

9. George the Garbage Man (Pros: Voters unlikely to come in contact with, references cannot be verified, can use in any situation.  Cons: Smell possibly off-putting.)

10. Jesus the Carpenter (Pros: Appeal to religious right, can survive crucifixion.  Cons: His Second Coming means Palin was right.)

Will run list by Michelle and David.

Hopefully yours,

Barack

PS.  Still winning in polls!

Monday, October 13th

1:22AM

Dear Diary,

Up late writing next inspirational speech.  Reminded by speech writers that must be avoid being too inspirational and inadvertently inspiring mob violence.  Have heard Secret Service not too happy about mob violence these days.

Finished first draft.  Will bring crowd to knees, though not in creepy exorcism-type way like in YouTube video of priest and Palin.  Speech is so brilliant that nearly cried while writing, so read aloud to Michelle in hopes of impressing her and making up for argument over behavior at last debate.  Also inspired tears, though apparently was not because of beautiful eloquence of writing but because of imagined masses of alcohol-related deaths as listeners played drinking game with words “hope” and “change.”  Made me take out almost all inspirational keywords.

But what we know—what we have seen—what we hope—is that America can change. That is the true changing genius of this hopeful nation. What we have already achieved through change and hope gives us more hope—the audacity to hope for change—for what we can hopefully change and must achieve tomorrow.

It requires all hopeful Americans to realize that your hopes and dreams do not have to come at the expense of my hopes and dreams; that investing in changing the health, welfare and education of black and brown and white children will ultimately and hopefully help all of America change and prosper.

I would not be running for president if I didn’t believe with all the hope in my heart that this is exactly what the change that the vast majority of Americans want for this hopeful and changeable country. This union may never be perfect and may always need change, change spurred by hope, but generation after generation has shown that it can always be perfected through hope and change.

At least lack of change in polls good news.  Still in lead!

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Friday, October 10th

12:33PM

Dear Diary,

Huge argument with Michelle.  Michelle claims that certain comments at last debate were racist, as was the McCains’ avoidance of shaking her hand.  Tried to explain that she was being unreasonable as it is a widely-known fact that all white people have a natural fear of women weighing over 110 lbs.  Asked if it was “that time of the month” as a possible excuse for unfounded paranoia over racism, but was clearly wrong thing to say as am now forced to write lines.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

Despite such dreadful start to morning, have heard good news:  Hispanic voter bloc is likely to vote for me, putting aside past disputes over who is better minority group in united dislike for old, rich white guys and not-so-Grand-after-all Old Party.  In response to new support from population more likely to vote than throngs of 16 year old interns, have decided to give next speech in Spanish.  Thought newly translated speech was brilliant, but was ridiculed by entire class of Spanish I students.  Apparently Babel Fish not as accurate as one would have hoped.

Am forbidden to check poll results until I finish writing lines.  However, barring catastrophic sudden economic upturn, suspect still in lead.

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Tuesday, October 7th
9:54PM

Dear Diary,

Won debate!  Am winner!  Am popular!  Hope!  Change!

Tried to gloat after debate, but campaign manager David says win mostly due to not making fun of anyone’s hair.  (Michelle was so right about cutting that part out.)  Kept fingers crossed for mid-debate heart attack, but no luck this time.  Voodoo doll not yet working, seems African magic man friend apparently not as good as Dad claimed.  Also, must remember to brush up on CPR so as to appear national hero at next debate should situation arise.

John not very friendly after debate, secretly suspect that may not really be my friend like he said but also possible that his candy-cane tie too tight.  Anyway, made sure to get in good handshake with Cindy afterward.  Such a nice woman.  Michelle refused to speak to her, but should really understand by now that we all can’t be as petite, blonde, attractive, and loaded as Cindy.  Michelle claims that she was just trying to “show solidarity against the opposing party”, but have my doubts.

On bright side, checked polls again—still ahead!

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Monday, October 6th

9:19PM

Dear Diary,

Have decided, after seeing mean television ad about terrorists and me, to keep a diary of innermost thoughts and emotions.  Hope that this will avoid embarrassing outbursts like Joe and/or ulcers like John.  Anyway, seems good idea to keep diary to publish in new set of memoirs.  Possible titles for next autobiography:  Hope for Change, Change Gives Us Hope, Hope Gives Us Change, We Hope We Can Change.  Might also want to include words ‘dream’ and ‘economic disaster’ as both seem to have very positive effect.  “Hopes and Dreams: Change During an Economic Disaster”?  Must run new idea by Michelle.

 Just checked poll results again—still in lead!

Hopefully yours,

Barack