The Secret Diary of Barack Obama

Wednesday, October 15th

11:30PM

Dear Diary,

Barack wins again!  Message of hope and change prevails!  Worried about rocky start of debate—note to self: must narrow economic plan down to five principles, one less than John—but game plan of staying calm until angry old man started screaming turned out well.  However, looked at responses to debate and fear that Joe the Plumber, like Joe Six Pack, has outstayed welcome.  Have come up with possible replacements for Joes.

Top 10 Possible Replacements for “Joe the Plumber”

1. Ed the Electrician (Pros: Will appeal to wide base of electrical engineers as well as do-it-yourself types.  Cons: Do-it-yourself types likely to be electrocuted before Nov. 4.)

2. Gary the Gardener (Pros: Everyone likes plants.  Cons: Environmentalists may feel gardens infringe upon wildlife sanctuaries.)

3. Bob the Builder (Pros: Well-liked by parents, teachers, childcare professionals.  Cons: Actually a cartoon character.)

4. Wendy the Waitress (Pros: Waitresses bring food, are correspondingly very popular.  Cons: Waitress voting bloc likely predominantly single women statistically likely to not vote.)

5. Mack the Mechanic (Pros: Everyone goes to mechanics.  Cons: Everyone hates going to mechanics.)

6. Rebecca the Receptionist (Pros: Receptionists everywhere finally recognized.  Cons: Receptionists still likely to be ignored.)

7. Mike the Mover (Pros: Manly profession appeals to males, overdeveloped muscles appeal to females.  Cons: Mike the Mover real person, possibility of being sued.)

8. Holly the Hairdresser (Pros: Hairdressers usually attractive, attractiveness important.  Cons: Large sections of U.S. population balding, may be offended.)

9. George the Garbage Man (Pros: Voters unlikely to come in contact with, references cannot be verified, can use in any situation.  Cons: Smell possibly off-putting.)

10. Jesus the Carpenter (Pros: Appeal to religious right, can survive crucifixion.  Cons: His Second Coming means Palin was right.)

Will run list by Michelle and David.

Hopefully yours,

Barack

PS.  Still winning in polls!

Friday, October 10th

12:33PM

Dear Diary,

Huge argument with Michelle.  Michelle claims that certain comments at last debate were racist, as was the McCains’ avoidance of shaking her hand.  Tried to explain that she was being unreasonable as it is a widely-known fact that all white people have a natural fear of women weighing over 110 lbs.  Asked if it was “that time of the month” as a possible excuse for unfounded paranoia over racism, but was clearly wrong thing to say as am now forced to write lines.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

I will not use biological sex differences as a way to dismiss the opinions and viewpoints of female politicians and lawyers.

Despite such dreadful start to morning, have heard good news:  Hispanic voter bloc is likely to vote for me, putting aside past disputes over who is better minority group in united dislike for old, rich white guys and not-so-Grand-after-all Old Party.  In response to new support from population more likely to vote than throngs of 16 year old interns, have decided to give next speech in Spanish.  Thought newly translated speech was brilliant, but was ridiculed by entire class of Spanish I students.  Apparently Babel Fish not as accurate as one would have hoped.

Am forbidden to check poll results until I finish writing lines.  However, barring catastrophic sudden economic upturn, suspect still in lead.

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Tuesday, October 7th
9:54PM

Dear Diary,

Won debate!  Am winner!  Am popular!  Hope!  Change!

Tried to gloat after debate, but campaign manager David says win mostly due to not making fun of anyone’s hair.  (Michelle was so right about cutting that part out.)  Kept fingers crossed for mid-debate heart attack, but no luck this time.  Voodoo doll not yet working, seems African magic man friend apparently not as good as Dad claimed.  Also, must remember to brush up on CPR so as to appear national hero at next debate should situation arise.

John not very friendly after debate, secretly suspect that may not really be my friend like he said but also possible that his candy-cane tie too tight.  Anyway, made sure to get in good handshake with Cindy afterward.  Such a nice woman.  Michelle refused to speak to her, but should really understand by now that we all can’t be as petite, blonde, attractive, and loaded as Cindy.  Michelle claims that she was just trying to “show solidarity against the opposing party”, but have my doubts.

On bright side, checked polls again—still ahead!

Hopefully yours,

Barack