Posts Tagged “cindy”
Monday, October 20th
3:32AM
Dear Diary,
Up late catching up on news articles from past week—can’t be outdone in New York Times reading by Sarah Palin!—and came across article about Cindy McCain. That poor woman! Dragged around by McSkeletor, forced to support losing campaign, cut off from supply of drugs, all those miscarriages…though, if being perfectly honest, some people do need to learn when to stop having children as new socialist health care policies will be stressed by plethora of children. Anyway, don’t know how Jill Biden and Cindy did it—Michelle put her foot down after Sasha and said no more kids, with or without epidural.
Also stumbled across article covering Joe’s remarks at a Seattle fundraiser this past weekend: “Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We’re about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America. Remember I said it standing here if you don’t remember anything else I said… As a student of history and having served with seven presidents, I guarantee you it’s going to happen.”
Apparently did not vet VP candidate thoroughly enough as was until now unaware of Joe’s talents for divination. Regardless, seems a useful job skill to have. Wonder if prophesying skills extend to economic crises, international disputes, and poll results. Anyway, should have seen this coming: a prophet and the messiah always come at same time.
Still ahead in polls!
Hopefully yours,
Barack
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Friday, October 17th
10:27AM
Dear Diary,
After breakfast this morning, Michelle handed me list of faults. Said she’d written it at Jon Stewart’s suggestion, but wanted to wait until after last debate so as “not to crush your fragile ego.” Ha. As if she doesn’t know that messiah’s ego cannot be crushed.
1. Barack uses the words “hope” and “change” too much in his campaign. (Completely untrue! Studies show that word choice is everything and that audiences respond best to repeated statements. John even complimented me on my eloquence at last debate.)
2. Barack can be too nice. (Suspect Michelle still upset over hand-shaking incident. Not my fault that Cindy is lovely, hospitable lady who was anxious to shake hand of messiah.)
3. Barack has yet to bring up how Michelle would make a better vice president than Sarah. (Have already explained that choosing family members will lead to allegations of nepotism and am trying to stay away from any words ending in “-ism.”)
4. Barack’s hair is beginning to gray. (Michelle should be grateful for this as no longer look like overgrown schoolboy and instead like aging and prematurely grey schoolboy.)
5. Barack could do more to show that he’s a family man. (Not my fault that neither Malia nor Sasha managed to get media attention! Will attempt to arrange teenage pregnancy, alcoholism, and/or special needs like autism before election day.)
At least didn’t bring up Malia’s dress at the Convention. Apparently dress has something called “spaghetti straps” that are “not appropriate for young children.” Still don’t understand how pasta is related to clothing, but have been expressly forbidden from taking girls shopping without proper supervision.Also, just rewatched speech at memorial dinner last night. Am hilarious. Even better than being ahead in polls.
Hopefully yours,
Barack
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Wednesday, October 8th
9:08AM
Dear Diary,
Terrible nightmares last night. Dreamed I was in small, enclosed room with only John and Tom. Tried to hide behind Tom, but John kept circling around screaming “Cronyism! Maverick! All of your friends are terrorists!” Tried to run, but John got closer and closer. Just when was finally giving up all hope for change, Cindy’s delicate, hollow-eyed face appeared and I reached up—
Woke up to beeping of alarm clock. 8:29AM. Like John’s birthday. Must be sign. Kept telling everyone I had a dream, but was told line was “clichéd” and that should really try to be more original in future. Tried to explain that dream was very likely premonition about me and John, but David said humor writers have thought of that already and that I should leave “being funny and creative” to the experts.
Sometimes feel underappreciated.
Still, am ahead in polls. Must count for something.
Hopefully yours,
Barack
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Tuesday, October 7th
9:54PM
Dear Diary,
Won debate! Am winner! Am popular! Hope! Change!
Tried to gloat after debate, but campaign manager David says win mostly due to not making fun of anyone’s hair. (Michelle was so right about cutting that part out.) Kept fingers crossed for mid-debate heart attack, but no luck this time. Voodoo doll not yet working, seems African magic man friend apparently not as good as Dad claimed. Also, must remember to brush up on CPR so as to appear national hero at next debate should situation arise.
John not very friendly after debate, secretly suspect that may not really be my friend like he said but also possible that his candy-cane tie too tight. Anyway, made sure to get in good handshake with Cindy afterward. Such a nice woman. Michelle refused to speak to her, but should really understand by now that we all can’t be as petite, blonde, attractive, and loaded as Cindy. Michelle claims that she was just trying to “show solidarity against the opposing party”, but have my doubts.
On bright side, checked polls again—still ahead!
Hopefully yours,
Barack
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