Democrats can't do anything right. Don't get me wrong, I'm about as far from the Right as possible, but I can't claim that the Dems are my party. I want one, just one, Democratic representative to do politics the way they ought to be done. I'm talking about wild, dirty, insane and extreme coupled with the kind of recreational activities usually reserved for high-power corporate executives and damaged celebrities. That's why I'm baffled that this whole Eric Massa thing has become a major scandal. Let's break this thing down, shall we?

So, Representative Massa is a Democrat from New York who recently claimed that he was being ousted from his own party because he wasn't planning on voting for President Obama's health care measures. Even without all the creepy acting out of sexual repression, Massa's story wouldn't be believable. The Democrats don't work that way. They probably should, but they don't. Massa went on the radio and claimed that Rahm Emanuel attempted to strong-arm him into the vote. Ya know, like Clinton Administration 3.0 is full of ex-Mossad interrogation specialists and big money bullies.

The true story is that Massa is a deeply unhappy individual who needs three things: A new career, a stiff drink, and the love of a man. Massa apparently has a long history of doing wildly inappropriate things to any attractive young fellas who work for him or are forced to live in close quarters with him. Not sex, mind you, just blue banter and excessive tickling. Yeah, tickling. Like any desperately closeted homosexual, he has been saying and doing some pretty silly things to keep people from even insinuating that he's queer. The more people press him, the more violently defensive he gets. Ah, but he doesn't actually deny being gay, maybe because he's a terrible liar.

Look, I don't really understand why modern politicians keep acting like being gay is an automatic end to a career. If it was, Barney Frank would be tending bar in Harvard Yard. The only thing that gay panic does to a political career is damage it with lies, secret indiscretions and public flailing. If Eric Massa would just come out with some dignity instead of debasing himself on Glenn Beck, maybe we could take him seriously.

But that's the problem. Democrats don't ever do the dignified thing, nor do they ever go full-blown crazy. At least when Republicans have a scandal it involves prostitutes, brain-rotting drugs and occasionally farm animals. I'm reminded of the case of Alan David Berlin, the Pennsylvania Republican who had an underage furry-tastic scandal last year. No, Dems don't have interesting scandals, just stupid ones. Bill Clinton came close, but compared to the folks on the other side of the aisle, banging the chubby intern barely even registers.

I'm not saying that Democrats need to be more reckless in their private lives, but maybe it would give them some perspective when the time comes to be bold at work. Eric Massa's not a hypocrite or a bastard, he's just a desperate jerk with no common sense.