The Secret Diary of Barack Obama

Tuesday, November 4th
10:04PM

Dear Diary,

WE WON.

Yours,
Barack

Tuesday, November 4th
9:15PM

Dear Diary,

Don’t want to be presumptive, but…

AM WINNING!

Have gotten Ohio and Pennsylvania!  Florida, Virginia, Missouri, and North Carolina really close, but feel confident that can win.

Have been told by Michelle that cannot begin drinking until after official win.  Apparently would look bad to start presidency same way as George…

Hopefully yours,
Barack

Monday, November 3rd

11:47PM

Dear Diary,

Last day of stumping.  Cannot believe election actually tomorrow.  Will win.  Told Grandma I would and I will.  Will win it for her.

Tomorrow.

Whoa.

[Was so excited by upcoming election that I started singing lyrics from “Tomorrow” song from Annie after writing word ‘tomorrow’.  Got as far as “Just thinking about tomorrow/clears the cobwebs and the sorrows” before was told to shut up by Michelle.  Says I have terrible singing voice and threatened to vote for McCain if I “kept up that racket and woke up the girls.”  This is completely unfair as life story is featured in new musical, “Obama the Musical”, and therefore must have talent.]

Oh, have just heard John said that “The pundits have written me off just like they’ve done four or five times in the past. … They may not know it, but the Mac is back.”  Ha.  Little does he know obesity epidemic affects only Big Macs.  (And also that subliminal message put into infomercial creates negative association for word ‘Mac’.)

Thirteen more minutes until November 4th!  And am still ahead in polls!

Hopefully yours,

Barack

PS.  Just checked CNN to see polls one more time.  Apparently five percent of voters still undecided?  Who are these undecideds?  Race has lasted forever!  Make up your minds!

PPS.  And pick me, please.

Sunday, November 2nd

11:21PM

Dear Diary,

Accused by Sarah of being presumptuous about election results.  Examples of presumptuous included confidence in results, pre-written inaugural address, current polling.  However, am not presumptuous, am simply confident that will win.  To prove this, found excellent poll result reporting website and examined current national polls.  Combined results to give precise and accurate prediction of election outcome.

CBS/New York Times: +13.

Gallup: +11.

ABC/Post: +11.

NBC/Wall Street Journal:  +9.

CNN: +7.

Marist: +7.

Research 2000: +7.

Pew Research: +6.

Zogby: +5.7.

Diego/Hotline: +5.

Rasmussen: +5.

Battleground: +4.

FOX News: +3.

SurveyUSA:  +3.

Investor’s Business Daily/TIPP: +2.1.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Total: 98.8 points!

See?  Win is unavoidable.  (Still, perhaps will not mention pre-written acceptance speech, pre-determined election night party toast, pre-printed “President Obama” paraphernalia, and blueprints for new mosque to be installed next to White House.  Wouldn’t want to jinx it, after all.)

Also, Joe—Joe the Running Mate, that is, not Plumber or Six Pack—says that we are going to win.  Trust his skills as prophet.

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Saturday, November 1st

10:37PM

Dear Diary,

Tied to another radical?  Note to self: must refrain from speaking to professors in future as is apparently very dangerous, subversive profession.

In other news, half hour infomercial at least partial success.  John didn’t approve, of course (though SNL infomercial sketch actually rather amusing), but is well-documented fact that infomercials have power to make people buy anything.  In fact, inspiration for political infomercial came from that one time I bought pair of clip-on shoe spikes under belief that they would aerate lawn as I walked and consequently make wife fall in love all over again.  (Did not work, unfortunately.  Due to paranoia over assassination plots, Michelle thought spikes were weapons and threw them out.)  Anyway, am confident that subliminal message implanted into infomercial will take root in minds of American people, suppressing latent racism with need to vote for candidate with funniest name.

Spent two hours this afternoon playing with model of electoral map.  Started coloring in states to spell out initials (only first and last initials, of course), but Michelle took away map and said I needed to “Get back to campaigning—don’t you realize you have only three days left?!”  No fun at all.

Anyway, got to check polls and electoral predictions before map was confiscated.  Result: still ahead!

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Thursday, October 23rd
10:18PM

Dear Diary,

Came to realization today that if voters still undecided at this point in election cycle, there is good chance that they are completely unconscious.  Will likely be difficult to sway voters if they cannot see handsome face, hear sweet words, or feel inspired by message of hope and change.  Have decided instead to utilize innate human characteristic:  The Herd Mentality.  New campaign slogan: Everyone’s Doing It!

List of Important Endorsements and Voting Bloc Most Likely to be Influenced by Them

National Organization of Women to persuade women.
Planned Parenthood to persuade sexually active women.
The National Association of Muslim American Women to persuade Muslim American Women.
Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton to persuade former U.S. presidents.
Billy Joel to persuade Billy Joel fans.
Colin Powell and Scott McClellan to persuade Bush supporters.
Billy Crystal and Gene Wilder to persuade old people.
Blake Lively to persuade teenagers who watch Gossip Girl.
All newspapers ever to persuade people who are literate.
Toni Morrison to persuade high school graduates who were required to read Beloved in their English class.
Vera Wang to persuade women who covet expensive wedding gowns.
Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and Scarlett Johansson to persuade people who fantasize about actors and actresses.
James Watson to persuade people who have DNA.

Plan is foolproof.

However, am worried John will retaliate with new TV attack ads: “Didn’t your mother warn you about jumping off a bridge just because all of your friends were doing it?”  Will ask David how to counter such assaults.

Anyway, have most important endorsement: the polls!

Hopefully yours,
Barack

Tuesday, October 21st

10:39PM

Dear Diary,

Exhausted from long day of convincing general public that Joe isn’t trying to undermine presidential bid with talk of impending doom.  Busy making flight reservations to Hawaii, no energy left to write long diary entry inspiring hope, change, etc.

Only have time for one last thought before bedtime:

Why, Nader, why?

Hopefully yours,

Barack

 Dear Diary,

Up late catching up on news articles from past week—can’t be outdone in New York Times reading by Sarah Palin!—and came across article about Cindy McCain.  That poor woman!  Dragged around by McSkeletor, forced to support losing campaign, cut off from supply of drugs, all those miscarriages…though, if being perfectly honest, some people do need to learn when to stop having children as new socialist health care policies will be stressed by plethora of children.  Anyway, don’t know how Jill Biden and Cindy did it—Michelle put her foot down after Sasha and said no more kids, with or without epidural.

Also stumbled across article covering Joe’s remarks at a Seattle fundraiser this past weekend:  “Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We’re about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America.  Remember I said it standing here if you don’t remember anything else I said… As a student of history and having served with seven presidents, I guarantee you it’s going to happen.”

Apparently did not vet VP candidate thoroughly enough as was until now unaware of Joe’s talents for divination.  Regardless, seems a useful job skill to have.  Wonder if prophesying skills extend to economic crises, international disputes, and poll results.  Anyway, should have seen this coming: a prophet and the messiah always come at same time.

Still ahead in polls!

Hopefully yours,
Barack

Sunday, October 19th

11:23PM

Dear Diary,

Campaign worried over accusations of socialism.  At first was unconcerned as Americans notoriously uneducated and likely to believe ‘socialism’ a reference to the celebrity party scene—and everyone loves people who are social!—but soon realized ‘socialism’ is on Wikipedia and therefore can be read by millions of quasi-educated citizens. 

Current definition, according to Wikipedia:

Socialism refers to a broad set of economic theories of social organization advocating social or collective ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods, and the creation of an egalitarian society where labor is the main source of wealth. Modern socialism originated in the late nineteenth-century working class political movement. Karl Marx posited that socialism would be achieved via class struggle and a proletarian revolution which represents the transitional stage between capitalism and communism.

As Wikipedia is open to all writers and editors, decided to slightly edit definition of socialism.  No big changes, just a few new words here and there to reassure voters.

Revised definition:

Socialism refers to a brilliant set of economic theories of social organization advocating for equal ownership and control of the means of production and distribution of goods, inspiring hope and change and the creation of an egalitarian society where China is no longer the main source of wealth. Obamian socialism originated during the early twenty-first century as a response to trickle-down economics, a type of economic policy that was so leaky that even Joe the Plumber couldn’t fix it.  Geniuses like Albert Einstein and Oscar Wilde (before Wilde was gay, of course, as socialism does not like to take stands on controversial issues like gay marriage) have written about socialism and subsequently endorsed its founder, Barack Obama, for president.

Much better.  Will edit Wikipedia article immediately.  Hope that socially conservative, McCarthyist, Republican Wikipedia-addicts will not notice change.

On related note, am loved by both proletariat and non-proletariat!  Colin Powell announced endorsement and am still ahead in polls!

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Friday, October 17th
10:27AM

Dear Diary,

After breakfast this morning, Michelle handed me list of faults.  Said she’d written it at Jon Stewart’s suggestion, but wanted to wait until after last debate so as “not to crush your fragile ego.”  Ha.  As if she doesn’t know that messiah’s ego cannot be crushed.

At least didn’t bring up Malia’s dress at the Convention.  Apparently dress has something called “spaghetti straps” that are “not appropriate for young children.”  Still don’t understand how pasta is related to clothing, but have been expressly forbidden from taking girls shopping without proper supervision.Also, just rewatched speech at memorial dinner last night.  Am hilarious.  Even better than being ahead in polls.