The Secret Diary of Barack Obama

Thursday, November 20th

10:19PM

Dear Diary,

Have not written for several weeks due to time-consuming process of choosing cabinet, finding future First Dog, and explaining to reporters that am not yet in charge of country and therefore cannot yet fix economy.  However, was browsing internet today—future First Lady insists that am rotting brain with hours of reading blogs—and came across forum for saying goodbye to George.  Have decided to write own letter.

Dear President,

I would like to extend my heartfelt appreciation for the unmitigated destruction that your administration has unleashed upon the American economy, environment, and population.  Your unsound policies and offensive and discriminatory beliefs worked to convince the American public that the Republican Party is ineffective at best and extremely destructive at worst.

Your catastrophic two terms as president made my election significantly easier and for that I am eternally grateful.

Warm regards,

Barack

PS.  However, come January 20th, I will no longer be thankful for your misguided policies and will instead be furious that I will have to spend the next four years attempting to clean up after you and your mistakes.

Am rather proud of letter.  Succinct, to the point, and does not include inappropriate words or phrases!  (Was very difficult to avoid profanity.)

Yours,

President-Elect Barack

Wednesday, November 5th

9:12PM

Dear Diary,

Am loved:

World loves me for not being Bush.

Majority of United States loves me (though am still unclear on Missouri and North Carolina’s feelings) for not being Bush.

Malia and Sasha love me for promise of new puppy.

Michelle loves me for First Lady status and thus chance to follow in Hillary’s footsteps.

Democrats in Senate and House love me for coattails (really more like cape at this point).

In return for love, will work hard to pick good cabinet, not attack Russia, magically fix economy, etc.

Yours,

President-Elect Barack

Tuesday, November 4th
10:04PM

Dear Diary,

WE WON.

Yours,
Barack

Tuesday, November 4th
9:15PM

Dear Diary,

Don’t want to be presumptive, but…

AM WINNING!

Have gotten Ohio and Pennsylvania!  Florida, Virginia, Missouri, and North Carolina really close, but feel confident that can win.

Have been told by Michelle that cannot begin drinking until after official win.  Apparently would look bad to start presidency same way as George…

Hopefully yours,
Barack

Thursday, October 23rd
10:18PM

Dear Diary,

Came to realization today that if voters still undecided at this point in election cycle, there is good chance that they are completely unconscious.  Will likely be difficult to sway voters if they cannot see handsome face, hear sweet words, or feel inspired by message of hope and change.  Have decided instead to utilize innate human characteristic:  The Herd Mentality.  New campaign slogan: Everyone’s Doing It!

List of Important Endorsements and Voting Bloc Most Likely to be Influenced by Them

National Organization of Women to persuade women.
Planned Parenthood to persuade sexually active women.
The National Association of Muslim American Women to persuade Muslim American Women.
Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton to persuade former U.S. presidents.
Billy Joel to persuade Billy Joel fans.
Colin Powell and Scott McClellan to persuade Bush supporters.
Billy Crystal and Gene Wilder to persuade old people.
Blake Lively to persuade teenagers who watch Gossip Girl.
All newspapers ever to persuade people who are literate.
Toni Morrison to persuade high school graduates who were required to read Beloved in their English class.
Vera Wang to persuade women who covet expensive wedding gowns.
Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and Scarlett Johansson to persuade people who fantasize about actors and actresses.
James Watson to persuade people who have DNA.

Plan is foolproof.

However, am worried John will retaliate with new TV attack ads: “Didn’t your mother warn you about jumping off a bridge just because all of your friends were doing it?”  Will ask David how to counter such assaults.

Anyway, have most important endorsement: the polls!

Hopefully yours,
Barack

Tuesday, October 21st

10:39PM

Dear Diary,

Exhausted from long day of convincing general public that Joe isn’t trying to undermine presidential bid with talk of impending doom.  Busy making flight reservations to Hawaii, no energy left to write long diary entry inspiring hope, change, etc.

Only have time for one last thought before bedtime:

Why, Nader, why?

Hopefully yours,

Barack

 Dear Diary,

Up late catching up on news articles from past week—can’t be outdone in New York Times reading by Sarah Palin!—and came across article about Cindy McCain.  That poor woman!  Dragged around by McSkeletor, forced to support losing campaign, cut off from supply of drugs, all those miscarriages…though, if being perfectly honest, some people do need to learn when to stop having children as new socialist health care policies will be stressed by plethora of children.  Anyway, don’t know how Jill Biden and Cindy did it—Michelle put her foot down after Sasha and said no more kids, with or without epidural.

Also stumbled across article covering Joe’s remarks at a Seattle fundraiser this past weekend:  “Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We’re about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America.  Remember I said it standing here if you don’t remember anything else I said… As a student of history and having served with seven presidents, I guarantee you it’s going to happen.”

Apparently did not vet VP candidate thoroughly enough as was until now unaware of Joe’s talents for divination.  Regardless, seems a useful job skill to have.  Wonder if prophesying skills extend to economic crises, international disputes, and poll results.  Anyway, should have seen this coming: a prophet and the messiah always come at same time.

Still ahead in polls!

Hopefully yours,
Barack

Sunday, October 19th

11:23PM

Dear Diary,

Campaign worried over accusations of socialism.  At first was unconcerned as Americans notoriously uneducated and likely to believe ‘socialism’ a reference to the celebrity party scene—and everyone loves people who are social!—but soon realized ‘socialism’ is on Wikipedia and therefore can be read by millions of quasi-educated citizens. 

Current definition, according to Wikipedia:

Socialism refers to a broad set of economic theories of social organization advocating social or collective ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods, and the creation of an egalitarian society where labor is the main source of wealth. Modern socialism originated in the late nineteenth-century working class political movement. Karl Marx posited that socialism would be achieved via class struggle and a proletarian revolution which represents the transitional stage between capitalism and communism.

As Wikipedia is open to all writers and editors, decided to slightly edit definition of socialism.  No big changes, just a few new words here and there to reassure voters.

Revised definition:

Socialism refers to a brilliant set of economic theories of social organization advocating for equal ownership and control of the means of production and distribution of goods, inspiring hope and change and the creation of an egalitarian society where China is no longer the main source of wealth. Obamian socialism originated during the early twenty-first century as a response to trickle-down economics, a type of economic policy that was so leaky that even Joe the Plumber couldn’t fix it.  Geniuses like Albert Einstein and Oscar Wilde (before Wilde was gay, of course, as socialism does not like to take stands on controversial issues like gay marriage) have written about socialism and subsequently endorsed its founder, Barack Obama, for president.

Much better.  Will edit Wikipedia article immediately.  Hope that socially conservative, McCarthyist, Republican Wikipedia-addicts will not notice change.

On related note, am loved by both proletariat and non-proletariat!  Colin Powell announced endorsement and am still ahead in polls!

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Friday, October 17th
10:27AM

Dear Diary,

After breakfast this morning, Michelle handed me list of faults.  Said she’d written it at Jon Stewart’s suggestion, but wanted to wait until after last debate so as “not to crush your fragile ego.”  Ha.  As if she doesn’t know that messiah’s ego cannot be crushed.

At least didn’t bring up Malia’s dress at the Convention.  Apparently dress has something called “spaghetti straps” that are “not appropriate for young children.”  Still don’t understand how pasta is related to clothing, but have been expressly forbidden from taking girls shopping without proper supervision.Also, just rewatched speech at memorial dinner last night.  Am hilarious.  Even better than being ahead in polls. 

Wednesday, October 15th

11:30PM

Dear Diary,

Barack wins again!  Message of hope and change prevails!  Worried about rocky start of debate—note to self: must narrow economic plan down to five principles, one less than John—but game plan of staying calm until angry old man started screaming turned out well.  However, looked at responses to debate and fear that Joe the Plumber, like Joe Six Pack, has outstayed welcome.  Have come up with possible replacements for Joes.

Top 10 Possible Replacements for “Joe the Plumber”

1. Ed the Electrician (Pros: Will appeal to wide base of electrical engineers as well as do-it-yourself types.  Cons: Do-it-yourself types likely to be electrocuted before Nov. 4.)

2. Gary the Gardener (Pros: Everyone likes plants.  Cons: Environmentalists may feel gardens infringe upon wildlife sanctuaries.)

3. Bob the Builder (Pros: Well-liked by parents, teachers, childcare professionals.  Cons: Actually a cartoon character.)

4. Wendy the Waitress (Pros: Waitresses bring food, are correspondingly very popular.  Cons: Waitress voting bloc likely predominantly single women statistically likely to not vote.)

5. Mack the Mechanic (Pros: Everyone goes to mechanics.  Cons: Everyone hates going to mechanics.)

6. Rebecca the Receptionist (Pros: Receptionists everywhere finally recognized.  Cons: Receptionists still likely to be ignored.)

7. Mike the Mover (Pros: Manly profession appeals to males, overdeveloped muscles appeal to females.  Cons: Mike the Mover real person, possibility of being sued.)

8. Holly the Hairdresser (Pros: Hairdressers usually attractive, attractiveness important.  Cons: Large sections of U.S. population balding, may be offended.)

9. George the Garbage Man (Pros: Voters unlikely to come in contact with, references cannot be verified, can use in any situation.  Cons: Smell possibly off-putting.)

10. Jesus the Carpenter (Pros: Appeal to religious right, can survive crucifixion.  Cons: His Second Coming means Palin was right.)

Will run list by Michelle and David.

Hopefully yours,

Barack

PS.  Still winning in polls!