The Secret Diary of Barack Obama

Thursday, November 20th

10:19PM

Dear Diary,

Have not written for several weeks due to time-consuming process of choosing cabinet, finding future First Dog, and explaining to reporters that am not yet in charge of country and therefore cannot yet fix economy.  However, was browsing internet today—future First Lady insists that am rotting brain with hours of reading blogs—and came across forum for saying goodbye to George.  Have decided to write own letter.

Dear President,

I would like to extend my heartfelt appreciation for the unmitigated destruction that your administration has unleashed upon the American economy, environment, and population.  Your unsound policies and offensive and discriminatory beliefs worked to convince the American public that the Republican Party is ineffective at best and extremely destructive at worst.

Your catastrophic two terms as president made my election significantly easier and for that I am eternally grateful.

Warm regards,

Barack

PS.  However, come January 20th, I will no longer be thankful for your misguided policies and will instead be furious that I will have to spend the next four years attempting to clean up after you and your mistakes.

Am rather proud of letter.  Succinct, to the point, and does not include inappropriate words or phrases!  (Was very difficult to avoid profanity.)

Yours,

President-Elect Barack

Wednesday, November 5th

9:18PM

Dear Diary,

Just looked at today’s stock market numbers.  Man, economy really in bad place right now.  Maybe should give it back before it’s too late—

Yours,
President-Elect Barack

Wednesday, November 5th

9:12PM

Dear Diary,

Am loved:

World loves me for not being Bush.

Majority of United States loves me (though am still unclear on Missouri and North Carolina’s feelings) for not being Bush.

Malia and Sasha love me for promise of new puppy.

Michelle loves me for First Lady status and thus chance to follow in Hillary’s footsteps.

Democrats in Senate and House love me for coattails (really more like cape at this point).

In return for love, will work hard to pick good cabinet, not attack Russia, magically fix economy, etc.

Yours,

President-Elect Barack

Tuesday, November 4th
10:04PM

Dear Diary,

WE WON.

Yours,
Barack

Tuesday, November 4th
9:15PM

Dear Diary,

Don’t want to be presumptive, but…

AM WINNING!

Have gotten Ohio and Pennsylvania!  Florida, Virginia, Missouri, and North Carolina really close, but feel confident that can win.

Have been told by Michelle that cannot begin drinking until after official win.  Apparently would look bad to start presidency same way as George…

Hopefully yours,
Barack

Monday, November 3rd

11:47PM

Dear Diary,

Last day of stumping.  Cannot believe election actually tomorrow.  Will win.  Told Grandma I would and I will.  Will win it for her.

Tomorrow.

Whoa.

[Was so excited by upcoming election that I started singing lyrics from “Tomorrow” song from Annie after writing word ‘tomorrow’.  Got as far as “Just thinking about tomorrow/clears the cobwebs and the sorrows” before was told to shut up by Michelle.  Says I have terrible singing voice and threatened to vote for McCain if I “kept up that racket and woke up the girls.”  This is completely unfair as life story is featured in new musical, “Obama the Musical”, and therefore must have talent.]

Oh, have just heard John said that “The pundits have written me off just like they’ve done four or five times in the past. … They may not know it, but the Mac is back.”  Ha.  Little does he know obesity epidemic affects only Big Macs.  (And also that subliminal message put into infomercial creates negative association for word ‘Mac’.)

Thirteen more minutes until November 4th!  And am still ahead in polls!

Hopefully yours,

Barack

PS.  Just checked CNN to see polls one more time.  Apparently five percent of voters still undecided?  Who are these undecideds?  Race has lasted forever!  Make up your minds!

PPS.  And pick me, please.

Sunday, November 2nd

11:21PM

Dear Diary,

Accused by Sarah of being presumptuous about election results.  Examples of presumptuous included confidence in results, pre-written inaugural address, current polling.  However, am not presumptuous, am simply confident that will win.  To prove this, found excellent poll result reporting website and examined current national polls.  Combined results to give precise and accurate prediction of election outcome.

CBS/New York Times: +13.

Gallup: +11.

ABC/Post: +11.

NBC/Wall Street Journal:  +9.

CNN: +7.

Marist: +7.

Research 2000: +7.

Pew Research: +6.

Zogby: +5.7.

Diego/Hotline: +5.

Rasmussen: +5.

Battleground: +4.

FOX News: +3.

SurveyUSA:  +3.

Investor’s Business Daily/TIPP: +2.1.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Total: 98.8 points!

See?  Win is unavoidable.  (Still, perhaps will not mention pre-written acceptance speech, pre-determined election night party toast, pre-printed “President Obama” paraphernalia, and blueprints for new mosque to be installed next to White House.  Wouldn’t want to jinx it, after all.)

Also, Joe—Joe the Running Mate, that is, not Plumber or Six Pack—says that we are going to win.  Trust his skills as prophet.

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Saturday, November 1st

10:37PM

Dear Diary,

Tied to another radical?  Note to self: must refrain from speaking to professors in future as is apparently very dangerous, subversive profession.

In other news, half hour infomercial at least partial success.  John didn’t approve, of course (though SNL infomercial sketch actually rather amusing), but is well-documented fact that infomercials have power to make people buy anything.  In fact, inspiration for political infomercial came from that one time I bought pair of clip-on shoe spikes under belief that they would aerate lawn as I walked and consequently make wife fall in love all over again.  (Did not work, unfortunately.  Due to paranoia over assassination plots, Michelle thought spikes were weapons and threw them out.)  Anyway, am confident that subliminal message implanted into infomercial will take root in minds of American people, suppressing latent racism with need to vote for candidate with funniest name.

Spent two hours this afternoon playing with model of electoral map.  Started coloring in states to spell out initials (only first and last initials, of course), but Michelle took away map and said I needed to “Get back to campaigning—don’t you realize you have only three days left?!”  No fun at all.

Anyway, got to check polls and electoral predictions before map was confiscated.  Result: still ahead!

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Thursday, October 23rd
10:18PM

Dear Diary,

Came to realization today that if voters still undecided at this point in election cycle, there is good chance that they are completely unconscious.  Will likely be difficult to sway voters if they cannot see handsome face, hear sweet words, or feel inspired by message of hope and change.  Have decided instead to utilize innate human characteristic:  The Herd Mentality.  New campaign slogan: Everyone’s Doing It!

List of Important Endorsements and Voting Bloc Most Likely to be Influenced by Them

National Organization of Women to persuade women.
Planned Parenthood to persuade sexually active women.
The National Association of Muslim American Women to persuade Muslim American Women.
Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton to persuade former U.S. presidents.
Billy Joel to persuade Billy Joel fans.
Colin Powell and Scott McClellan to persuade Bush supporters.
Billy Crystal and Gene Wilder to persuade old people.
Blake Lively to persuade teenagers who watch Gossip Girl.
All newspapers ever to persuade people who are literate.
Toni Morrison to persuade high school graduates who were required to read Beloved in their English class.
Vera Wang to persuade women who covet expensive wedding gowns.
Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and Scarlett Johansson to persuade people who fantasize about actors and actresses.
James Watson to persuade people who have DNA.

Plan is foolproof.

However, am worried John will retaliate with new TV attack ads: “Didn’t your mother warn you about jumping off a bridge just because all of your friends were doing it?”  Will ask David how to counter such assaults.

Anyway, have most important endorsement: the polls!

Hopefully yours,
Barack

Tuesday, October 21st

10:39PM

Dear Diary,

Exhausted from long day of convincing general public that Joe isn’t trying to undermine presidential bid with talk of impending doom.  Busy making flight reservations to Hawaii, no energy left to write long diary entry inspiring hope, change, etc.

Only have time for one last thought before bedtime:

Why, Nader, why?

Hopefully yours,

Barack